Lost and Found

Something compelled me to open up blogger and write something random again. It's 2.30am right now (3.30am actually, after I finished), I have to work tomorrow but I can't sleep. Not until I type this out. This time, I want to talk about something I used to like love doing, but I stopped, then I picked up again. It evolved but the essence of it still remains in the evolved form. I'm glad that somehow, I stumbled upon this thing again. And it's called "writing". 

    I am currently reading a self-help book (I can see the face of a 20-year-old me, so shocked by this. Because I used to HATE self-help books. It's common sense. It's something everyone knows. Oh sweet girl. Young and stupid girl. You think you are wise, but you are not. The world will teach you a lesson. Many lessons in fact. Then you will be humbled and admit your defeat. I digress). A book regarding why I am the way I am right now. How one's childhood can shape the adult. Then, a homework came up. I had to think about what I used to like to do when I was a child. One of the thing that came up to my mind is that I really like writing. 

    I used to read a lot of chick flicks when I was a teenager (as one should). All the "little black dress" series and of course Twilight series. We laugh about it right now but you wouldn't believe how people went crazy over a sparkling vampire and a young hunk that can transform into a giant wolf. I'm glad I read those book, cause it made my vocabulary flourished. I emulated the way the author writes and with that, I eventually created my own writing style. And I don't mean I write novels of my own, but I was mostly writing essays for English classes. And (I don't mean to brag but) I always get really high marks and the teacher(s) always praised me for it. I was really happy and was really proud of myself. But don't ask me write one of those today, I can't, for the life of me, write anything as pretty anymore unfortunately. *sad laugh*

    Fast forward to the end of my middle school years, I started to blog. Everyone started to blog. It was "the thing". This writing was different, because now, instead of writing essays of fiction, I'm writing about things happening around me or write something about me. I'm laughing right now because I remembered I was involved in "The Great Blog War: Which Girl is The Victim". We made quite a big scene in the all-girls school that I was in. It's so stupid but those were the times. Well, that episode gave me a few traumas of it's own but we were all tragic children with our own family problems. Nobody is to blame. It's just side effects. 

    Anyway, I stopped blogging after a few years. I blame it on adulting but actually it is thanks to adulting. At some point, I guess we all figured it wasn't actually healthy to put everything online. I'm still trying to limit my social media and how much I share online but it's still all work in progress. I mean, nothing is wrong with posting whatever you want online. It's just, some things are better off not shared publicly because not everybody needs to know and even if they do, it's not guaranteed that others would understand you. I think what I meant to say is, the important factor of deciding about sharing things online, is the objective that you're trying to achieve with it.

    I used to share everything online because I wanted attention from the world. I want people to want to know me. I want people to see me. I want people to talk to me and like me. I realised later on, that these are all very shallow thoughts. The attention from strangers are nice but it's fleeting. There are no emotional connection just surface-level attention. I feel excited and flattered and it filled my ego but I also feel deflated and empty quickly. I always felt a void inside but I didn't know why. After 30 years of living, I think I finally figured out why. Social media is a double-edge sword. People are so woke nowadays but still, I think many things has to be taken with a grain of salt. On that note, I'm glad that I have a few close friends who I can talk to and be open with today. Because they are the people who sees me as I am and know the deeper and real me. I feel more fulfilled with this kind of connection and I'm grateful for the relationships that I have stumbled upon and also worked on. 

    Today, instead of blogging, I have taken up journaling. I have been doing this for a few years, and it's been so therapeutic to me. At first, there wasn't much writing because I wanted to be more aesthetic with my "journals". I struggled honestly, but I still had fun. I get to draw, colour, paint and try new things. Subconsciously, I bought a lot of pens, fountain pens and inks even though I don't write that much. I think eventually whatever I was doing (or buying, hah) led me to the me now. Cause there was another turning point in my life. I started to write more again in the last two months. Like. A LOT. I manage to fill up 64 pages of my travelers notebook insert in less than 2 months. And boy, did i write. I'm going through a phase right now, that's why I turned to writing. It's therapy. I needed it. I needed it so bad. There's just so much going on in my head. I can't believe I did not do this sooner. This is salvation for me. Now, I sound like a mad woman who found her saviour in the form of paper. *snicker* 

    Now. I just want to say something cliché. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you think you've lost something, you will find it back in time. If you really want it. You'll eventually find a way, or it will find a way to you. It can appear in another form and you will welcome the change. Or better, evolve with it. I love writing. I also write letters. I love writing letters. There's something about handwritten letters, like I mean, it feels like a person can actually pour their heart and soul through their fingers, a pen and a paper. It just hits different from a text message you know? 

    Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I just wanted to write, is all. I've been in a blogger hiatus since a few years, and I'm still planning to be. But I might just pop up once in awhile to write these kind of random things here. Just for the heck of it. It seems like people still come to my blog, which I am a bit surprised. I mean I know why they come, because of my free amigurumi patterns that I wrote. Thank you for using them by the way! I'm glad you like my design, I really do. I still do get some nice comments on Ravelry and Instagram for my patterns, and I can't appreciate how kind and nice you people can be. :) 

As a closing, let me share this beautiful quote I saw today on my Instagram feed.


There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.

- Ernest Hemingway

Thoughts in words

 Wow, blogger has changed a lot. I don't even recognised it anymore. I haven't been blogging for awhile. I wonder if people still blogs. I have moved on to journalling at some point but I guess that did not went well too cause I stopped again.. Yes, again. I have tried to start journalling twice. Honestly speaking, it did helped me when I was going through some bad times. And it's a little bit more personal, as I get older, I tend to appreciate privacy. Blogs are not private at all. Well, I could set it to private, but then again, it is on the internet. Somebody can still hack into a private blog and leak all the juicy stuff out. Right, as if I'm typing some top secret informations in here to and tempt a hacker to do that. 

    Why am I here? I don't know. I just felt like typing something. Recently, I felt so compelled to type. Well, XM recently just bought me a nifty keyboard and my fingers are in love. I even got motivated to work more on coding. *laughs*. I am currently not typing on the said keyboard but on our Macbook instead. It's not bad. Well, I just lifted the layer of keyboard protector and it feels so much better now. Ouuhhh.. This keyboard ain't half bad either, I love me a slim keyboard. 

    I think my English is deteriorating. I mean I am not talking in English at home, heck even if I do, I'm not using perfect English grammar. And at work, I don't talk much either. I'm mostly dealing with codes and more technical stuffs so grammar are not really needed. I think my speaking is even worse. Honestly, I feel kinda bad. I used to be able to emulate how an American speak but now, I just sound more like a typical Chinese trying to speak good English. I wonder why, I mean I don't even speak a lot of English back in the days. Maybe it's because I'm rarely watching English shows nowadays. More to anime... So maybe my Japanese is better now? Hah, who am I kidding. 

Hah, I'm having so much fun here. It's like I'm talking to myself by typing all these down. It's so funny, sad and weird at the same time. I guess I'm starting to appreciate loneliness (which is not a bad thing to be honest).

Speaking of which... I think I'm going to get a bit more serious here on out since we're at that topic. I think back in the days of my "youth", I cared more about how people was treating me or getting really envious of people having really good time with their friends. How do I put it? Hmm.. Like a great sadness and envy envelopes me whenever I see somebody posting some photos showing that they are having a jolly good time with their friends. That's because I rarely have somebody who I can do that with (other than my boyfriend). Honestly, I do feel that way SOME times even now. But I don't let it take over my mind like it used to. I grew to accept how things are and learn to appreciate them. Truth to be told, I don't really like hanging out a lot either. That explains why I don't really have much friends to hang out with. I am very picky with the people I choose to hang out with too. It's tiring to socialise ya know. It takes effort to think of something to talk and to please the other person. And it's super rare to be able to find somebody who I can be totally myself and just speak nonsense. 

Speaking of that, I think I have multiple personalities, like I behave differently when I am out with different people. I don't know how to explain it. It's like... my brain just automatically choose to behave in a certain way depending on who I am with. Most of the time, I think I just behave in a way that pleases the other person? And not like.. do something that can cause myself to be on their bad side.. At least I try to. It's so weird. I realised this at some point, but I couldn't stop myself from behaving that way. And some times I felt so embarrassed after I did something out of character then my brain would replay that scene again and again and I just feel really bad in the end (for myself). Some times, I talk like an airhead, but funny thing is, I realised that but I continued on anyway cause I know some people think I'm more approachable or likeable that way. Then some other times, I can be haughty and talk less, when I don't want to get close to the person. It's just weird when I think about it, but what's even weird is, doing it without realising it then AFTER that I began to analyse my own actions. Wow, this is becoming so creepy when I am typing this all down. Maybe it's just instinct to win brownie points with people. 

I wonder how I am in other people's mind. Like how they interpret me. Since I myself felt like I behave differently. But at least I do know how the true me is like. Cause it is very tiring to be "not" me, it's like I am constantly acting when I am around people and it just tires me out. Maybe that's an introvert thing. Therefore, in my recent years, I prefer to be... alone or at home. Where I do not need to think how to act or what to say. I just.... do whatever and say whatever that comes to my mind. Like right now actually, in this random post of mine.

Covid is such a weird time. It sucks being stuck in this small country which is actually also a city. I yearn for my time with nature, but the closest thing I can get here is man-made hiking trails. Hah.. After this is all over, I want to have my time with mother nature. Recently I have been watching this anime about camping in Japan. It's called Yuru Camp. It's a chill anime, I need a chill anime once in awhile. Too much hardcore theme will break my brain. Oh, and about this anime, it kind of makes me want to try camping. Was thinking of maybe trying to camp here first in Singapore even though the weather is humid af here. But gotta start somewhere right? Before camping in the cold 🥶.  

Okay, I think that's enough for today. If you're reading this, you're weird or creepy. Are you that interested about what I have to say?? Then again, the only main goal I am posting this to the public is to let other people read it. Is this like reverse psychology or something? Okay, enough of all this philosophical nonsense. 

Diving Trip Cebu March '19 | Thresher shark highlight




Yes, I have officially stopped blogging. I feel like I shared too much about my life. Funny for me to say that, because I am still posting this thing right now. Just thought I would at least share the travel vlogs (which I did not make for this trip, but my friends did!) so that I can look back at it when I feel like it. I would like to share more details but 5 months have already passed and this trip was kind of a package diving plan trip + canyoneering tour in Cebu.

Blah.

September & October '18

// Happening in September & October // 
clayart class
nobuo uematsu earthbound papas concert
penang weekend trip
f1 singapore
iceland trip
short hair

I've been interested in clay art for awhile now, but I've only really done like a few items before. Mostly following some youtube videos. I still have a bunch of clay in my drawer from few years ago. 
I saw this promotion for clay art class on Fav app at Flora Clay I thought it was a good idea for a date. Sorta. Since we can do it together with proper guidance and more tools.




Behold, our creation. He was really into though. Like very quiet and just did whatever, and it's like he is in his own world. LOL. 


And on the same day, we went to Nobuo Uematsu Sensei's concert! I've always wanted to attend one especially the orchestra version but since he is personally performing this time, I cannot pass this chance up. The performance was magical although most of the songs played are battle songs. 





Did a short weekend trip to Penang with friends! It's also been awhile since we went on a trip together. Thought it might be a good idea to spend some time for a food trip since we never been there together. I kept a Penang Food List from 2014 but I am afraid it is a bit tad outdated. There's so many new cafes popping up and also many old places that are yet to be explored. But in those short 2 days, I can't possibly review much places.


This picture was taken in a hidden cafe called Whisk. The only thing worth mentioning about in this cafe is that well... it's quite "instagrammable". It's good if you like taking ootd kind of picture. The deco was subtle and homey. Unfortunately, as for the desserts and drinks, it was really bad. They do look nice (even the illustrations on the menu), but it tasted borderline bad. 


Second snack/dessert place we visited was at 92 Armenian Street serving all kinds of food with bird's nest. If you like heritage kind of atmosphere, this is a good place to go. However, it can be quite pricey! Since the main star is "bird's nest". Again, food was also just mediocre but at least they are serving something different. The cafe can be very crowded too but they do have a lot of seats. 



I think the coolest place we've been to is this hidden bar called Manchu. I simply love how they partition and deco-ed this place. It reminded me a lot of the old chinese movies that I watched before. Even the waitress and waitresses are dressed in traditional outfits like Cheong Sam. There's also a live band here. It's quite difficult to get a good place there so I suggest people to go early. I didn't take too much pictures there as I didn't think it would do this place much justice. So, it's really a lot better if you go there and see for yourself!

It was a short weekend trip but I think I needed that short break at somewhere else rather than being cooped up in the house. 


Suprised le bf by buying both of us passes to see F1. He is a big F1 fan. And I sort of bought this because of some argument whereby I wasn't showing enough care for him. HAHAHA. Way to go Joey for remembering the bad stuffs. I have a really good memory in finding faults. 



Our first F1 event I guess. And gosh, Dua Lipa was there to perform. I love her hair that it actually inspired me to cut my hair short. 




Okay, some short random notes in this section. Regarding the muscat that I found in Dondondonki. I was so excited when I saw them. Just looking at them reminded me of the sweet juicy and fragrant smell I once taste and experienced in Japan. It costed like around 30$ for one bunch. And you know what, that was a waste of money. These taste like grapes! It's not muscat at all. I've been conned. *cry* Never ever buying muscat again outside of Japan. 


So, Iceland trip happened in the month of October. And within those 2 weeks that we were there, we only manage to catch the Aurora on one night. Luckily we did, I would be so sad if we didn't at all. I just posted two vlogs so far. I am not sure if I will write a blog post for it. But let's see. Maybe I will just do a master post and put all the vlogs there. 


And this also happened on a random fine day. I have thought of cutting my hair short for quite a long time now. But didn't quite find a suitable time and place to do so. I don't know which saloon to go to. Then, I went along with my boyfriend to his usual saloon for his haircut. And there and then, I decided to chop it off. The hairdresser did made a fuss about it and didn't really want to cut it for me but I manage to persuade her to do it. Well, not persuade, basically just made her do it. The result were great. Even she said so, admiring her own work. 


I think I look really chic right now. Lol. The only downside is that I have to blow-dry my hair if I don't wait it to curl the wrong way. 
Today's cat special, only Grey's photos. Because he is the silly one. Although Bianca is also very cute but I couldn't manage to take photos of her being so adorable. Enjoy!




July & August '18

// Happening in July & August // 
perhentian diving trip
blonde again
rainforest lumina
keto + detox diet, after diet
taking up journaling and calligraphy
games & books
the lion king musical
broga hill
sam at 8q


Without realizing it, I am making this as a bi-monthly update.