Wanted to post some pictures and say something about my weekend trip to Port Klang for seafood lunch. But then realised, it was kinda awkward wanting to write something personal and emo-ish in the same post. So I didn't but instead, I'm writing a whole long rant after saying something about it in the introduction part of the post. Not that relevant anyway. So to make it more irrelevant, here's a picture of me.
I've recently come to realise that... I have an awful lot of negative energy around me.
I mean I'm easily angered and triggered. Then, I hold grudges, I don't forget bad things easily especially the ones that impacts me greatly. In addition, I overthink things that results to more drama and complicated situation. Let's just put it in a few words that summarise all of these.
I'm digging my own grave
"Always look at the bright side of things", "There must have been a silver lining somewhere", "Why look at the bad side of things when you can look at the good side?". Come on, I know the drill. But it's easier said than done. I'm very emotionally motivated. When I'm angry, I just do what I want to do instead of thinking things through. I even say the wrong words which I shouldn't have said. If I did filter my words first then maybe I could save myself from hurting people around me so much. But then if I don't say these things out, nobody will know what I am thinking or feeling inside. Should I just suppress all those things or just let it all out? Then I let it all out...... and then ask myself "Should I do that? But I just did" and then maybe, regret it.
I don't deal with jealousy very well. This actually makes my relationship very unstable everytime I'm troubled by "the other girls that my boyfriend talks to". Honestly, I don't like it when he goes out alone with another girl, no matter how "brother-ish" or "sister-ish" they might be. This is reasonable right? I mean... I'm still a girl. And every time it happens, I started acting out and become super sensitive because I'm just super uncomfortable. Then all these anger consumes the hell out of me. It's not that I don't trust him or anything, I just simply don't like it. Period. Please tell me I can feel this way and tell me it is completely normal.
Envy is a really deadly emotion. How it can hurt and de-motivate a person when they are just being themselves. Somehow, seeing prettier or more successful people make me feel like crap. I know I shouldn't feel like this. Everyone is different. I can't compare BUT people STILL compares. It still hurts though, hearing things... like "why can't you be thinner/more mature/more successful/smarter/not clumsy?". My inside just dies a little each and every time. I just can't let it go easily.
On the other hand, I just wish some people around me to stop saying very sarcastic and insensitive words to me even if they meant it as a joke. Seriously, don't know why I don't seem to find it funny. Maybe because it IS not funny. Not to me. Please don't try to humiliate me in public, it is not a very pleasant feeling. Even when the joke came from somebody very close to me, I still don't find humiliation to be something that I should go "hahaha" about.
Please teach me how to be compassionate and always learn to forgive people and forget about the bad things they say or do. I want to be a better person instead of one who is easily influenced by one's feeling. I want to be the one who doesn't get insecure with being themselves. I want to be confident and never doubt myself. Always give a better reason to do the right things.
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