"Who or what is your inspirations?"
My mind goes blank after my eyes complete to scan the letters like a computer scanner from left to right. I was just updating my facebook profile and deleting some interests which are NOT really my interests. Then I saw this sentence. Looking at me, waiting for my input. I have none.
I never have had any serious thoughts about what or who that has or had inspired me to do something. Maybe they did, and maybe unconsciously. Not enough for me to collect their pictures and quotes, sticking my idol's poster on my bedroom wall and then worshiping them like how the peasants in the old time would, to their Greek Gods and Goddesses. Is this bad or good?
I don't even think that I have a strong role model. Truth to be told, since I was a kindergartner or a primary school-er, I have moved from living with my mother's side family and relatives at an old house, then to my dad's shop(we had a second floor there), then to my dad's mother house to live with her and my aunts, then to my grandmother's house, then to my dad's house, then to my grandmother's house again. Yes, I'm a nomad. I was the only one moving around. My brother was always safe inside my grandmother's house since he is still small and is protected by the law. Although I move so many times, I could never find anyone to look up to.
My dad's mother (I don't refer her to as my other grandmother because I don't like people who looks down on her own family member) was never a great role model. She likes to badmouth other people, she thinks she is the best, she thinks she always do the right thing when she is obviously not, she talks sarcastically, she mocks people, she likes to nag(anyone can be her victim, believe me. Especially the workers in my dad's shop. Many left after their first day because of her supernatural power to nag non-stop), she thought I couldn't possibly stand a chance in graduating from a university, and she hits me.
My dad's sisters / my aunts has a bad habit of hitting me too. Basically I was hit almost everyday. I have no recollection of what I did to deserve that but I remember quite well that I will be hit when I'm memorizing the multiplication table. I have to memorize and then say it all out without looking at the table. If I answered wrongly, I will be hit each time. I would cry but that doesn't mean I can stop. Honestly, the most terrible childhood I had was at that house. Till now, I never liked going back to that place unless it's Chinese New Year's eve. I had no choice. If I had, I wouldn't want to even go there.
My father was always working. We don't talk much about things. But he looks out for us. Of course it's natural, he is my father. I used to hate him because he used to nag me a lot and some times hit me too(but not as much as his mother and sisters). You know asian parents, if they nags or gives you a lecture and suddenly he asked you something, no matter what you say or do, you'll still get a scolding. I tried staying silent, not good, he keeps asking and gets irritated. I tried answering my true feelings, he said I'm wrong and continues on lecturing then ask the same thing over again. I tried crying like i'm-going-crazy-and-i'm-in-a-trauma-state, his mother would come and help him nag me and call me to shut up. I tried nodding and shaking my head, I was asked why was I not talking. There's only one choice, TO AGREE. No matter what you think, it will be always right to agree.
My dad's side family are basically more... aggressive and more to physical torture. -.- They seems like super villains right now.
My grandmother is kind and very soft-hearted. She never hits me, she will only give me a light scolding. But I have no recollection of when I had a scolding from her. She is gentle. She is basically just how a typical mother should be.
My mother however... was very different when I was younger. She never liked to hit her children too. Her method of punishing us was making us kneel in front of the "
Di Zhu Gong" for an hour or two and make us reflect on what we did wrong. Honestly, I have very... less memories of her. She went overseas to work after she divorced to earn money. Frankly, I don't really like.. some things that she did when she came back and there was this guy who often came to our house. They would always be inside the third-room and would always have the door locked up. =.= I'm already at this age now, thinking back again at this situation, I don't know what I should assume or conclude. That suspicious guy isn't even friendly to begin with (that's how I thought he was anyway). I don't even know if she was dating him or not. Mum, if you're reading this, I don't know what you were doing or thinking back then, but hey, it's your problem.........? Since it's already been like 10 years or more. But that definitely didn't leave a good impression on your kids and mother! There was also a period I felt more loved by my mother but then it gradually changed. I don't know what happened. Was it me that pushed you away or was it her that prefers my brother to me. I always has this problem with her very
berat sebelah attitude, because she makes it so obvious. Even until now. She treats him like a prince and while me on the other hand, I feel like.. I don't know what I should compare myself with. Not only I see it, each of my friends who came to my house will notice this too. And now, she has become more like a friend to me and even get along well with my friends. The only problem I think she still has is her attitude towards different sexes. Not only her, I think I have that problem too. Like her, I find myself talking more to guys than girls. I mean I think we prefer it that way. (?) I'm unsure myself but some times I do think that way. Is that even a problem actually? Or maybe I still haven't find any girls that has similar thinking as me.
I digress.
Actually, I find myself somewhat similar to my mum. She also said so herself. Unconsciously I'm becoming a second her. I think she is my inspiration all along. It's just that I never acknowledge or notice it. She is strong-willed. She is independent. She is reliable. She is very emotional (TOO emotional some times). She is stubborn. She has very good sense of humor. She is open-minded. She doesn't listen to what people say when she thinks she is correct, and no matter what you say, you will not change her mind! She's more like a child than an adult some times. -.- That is very worrisome. The fact that she doesn't give me talks of motivation and consult me in the aspect of life is very very disappointing too.
So there. I have sorted my own mind by writing this down. Writing really helps! But then my head keeps on lingering in the past right now and nasty flashbacks is coming back to me too. Urgh. Too much thinking. Head pain. Need sleep. Oh, look, it's 1.30am already. That was fast. Signing off now. Goodnight.
