Something compelled me to open up blogger and write something random again. It's 2.30am right now (3.30am actually, after I finished), I have to work tomorrow but I can't sleep. Not until I type this out. This time, I want to talk about something I used to like love doing, but I stopped, then I picked up again. It evolved but the essence of it still remains in the evolved form. I'm glad that somehow, I stumbled upon this thing again. And it's called "writing".
I am currently reading a self-help book (I can see the face of a 20-year-old me, so shocked by this. Because I used to HATE self-help books. It's common sense. It's something everyone knows. Oh sweet girl. Young and stupid girl. You think you are wise, but you are not. The world will teach you a lesson. Many lessons in fact. Then you will be humbled and admit your defeat. I digress). A book regarding why I am the way I am right now. How one's childhood can shape the adult. Then, a homework came up. I had to think about what I used to like to do when I was a child. One of the thing that came up to my mind is that I really like writing.
I used to read a lot of chick flicks when I was a teenager (as one should). All the "little black dress" series and of course Twilight series. We laugh about it right now but you wouldn't believe how people went crazy over a sparkling vampire and a young hunk that can transform into a giant wolf. I'm glad I read those book, cause it made my vocabulary flourished. I emulated the way the author writes and with that, I eventually created my own writing style. And I don't mean I write novels of my own, but I was mostly writing essays for English classes. And (I don't mean to brag but) I always get really high marks and the teacher(s) always praised me for it. I was really happy and was really proud of myself. But don't ask me write one of those today, I can't, for the life of me, write anything as pretty anymore unfortunately. *sad laugh*
Fast forward to the end of my middle school years, I started to blog. Everyone started to blog. It was "the thing". This writing was different, because now, instead of writing essays of fiction, I'm writing about things happening around me or write something about me. I'm laughing right now because I remembered I was involved in "The Great Blog War: Which Girl is The Victim". We made quite a big scene in the all-girls school that I was in. It's so stupid but those were the times. Well, that episode gave me a few traumas of it's own but we were all tragic children with our own family problems. Nobody is to blame. It's just side effects.
Anyway, I stopped blogging after a few years. I blame it on adulting but actually it is thanks to adulting. At some point, I guess we all figured it wasn't actually healthy to put everything online. I'm still trying to limit my social media and how much I share online but it's still all work in progress. I mean, nothing is wrong with posting whatever you want online. It's just, some things are better off not shared publicly because not everybody needs to know and even if they do, it's not guaranteed that others would understand you. I think what I meant to say is, the important factor of deciding about sharing things online, is the objective that you're trying to achieve with it.
I used to share everything online because I wanted attention from the world. I want people to want to know me. I want people to see me. I want people to talk to me and like me. I realised later on, that these are all very shallow thoughts. The attention from strangers are nice but it's fleeting. There are no emotional connection just surface-level attention. I feel excited and flattered and it filled my ego but I also feel deflated and empty quickly. I always felt a void inside but I didn't know why. After 30 years of living, I think I finally figured out why. Social media is a double-edge sword. People are so woke nowadays but still, I think many things has to be taken with a grain of salt. On that note, I'm glad that I have a few close friends who I can talk to and be open with today. Because they are the people who sees me as I am and know the deeper and real me. I feel more fulfilled with this kind of connection and I'm grateful for the relationships that I have stumbled upon and also worked on.
Today, instead of blogging, I have taken up journaling. I have been doing this for a few years, and it's been so therapeutic to me. At first, there wasn't much writing because I wanted to be more aesthetic with my "journals". I struggled honestly, but I still had fun. I get to draw, colour, paint and try new things. Subconsciously, I bought a lot of pens, fountain pens and inks even though I don't write that much. I think eventually whatever I was doing (or buying, hah) led me to the me now. Cause there was another turning point in my life. I started to write more again in the last two months. Like. A LOT. I manage to fill up 64 pages of my travelers notebook insert in less than 2 months. And boy, did i write. I'm going through a phase right now, that's why I turned to writing. It's therapy. I needed it. I needed it so bad. There's just so much going on in my head. I can't believe I did not do this sooner. This is salvation for me. Now, I sound like a mad woman who found her saviour in the form of paper. *snicker*
Now. I just want to say something cliché. Everything happens for a reason. Even if you think you've lost something, you will find it back in time. If you really want it. You'll eventually find a way, or it will find a way to you. It can appear in another form and you will welcome the change. Or better, evolve with it. I love writing. I also write letters. I love writing letters. There's something about handwritten letters, like I mean, it feels like a person can actually pour their heart and soul through their fingers, a pen and a paper. It just hits different from a text message you know?
Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I just wanted to write, is all. I've been in a blogger hiatus since a few years, and I'm still planning to be. But I might just pop up once in awhile to write these kind of random things here. Just for the heck of it. It seems like people still come to my blog, which I am a bit surprised. I mean I know why they come, because of my free amigurumi patterns that I wrote. Thank you for using them by the way! I'm glad you like my design, I really do. I still do get some nice comments on Ravelry and Instagram for my patterns, and I can't appreciate how kind and nice you people can be. :)
As a closing, let me share this beautiful quote I saw today on my Instagram feed.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
- Ernest Hemingway
