Thoughts in words

 Wow, blogger has changed a lot. I don't even recognised it anymore. I haven't been blogging for awhile. I wonder if people still blogs. I have moved on to journalling at some point but I guess that did not went well too cause I stopped again.. Yes, again. I have tried to start journalling twice. Honestly speaking, it did helped me when I was going through some bad times. And it's a little bit more personal, as I get older, I tend to appreciate privacy. Blogs are not private at all. Well, I could set it to private, but then again, it is on the internet. Somebody can still hack into a private blog and leak all the juicy stuff out. Right, as if I'm typing some top secret informations in here to and tempt a hacker to do that. 

    Why am I here? I don't know. I just felt like typing something. Recently, I felt so compelled to type. Well, XM recently just bought me a nifty keyboard and my fingers are in love. I even got motivated to work more on coding. *laughs*. I am currently not typing on the said keyboard but on our Macbook instead. It's not bad. Well, I just lifted the layer of keyboard protector and it feels so much better now. Ouuhhh.. This keyboard ain't half bad either, I love me a slim keyboard. 

    I think my English is deteriorating. I mean I am not talking in English at home, heck even if I do, I'm not using perfect English grammar. And at work, I don't talk much either. I'm mostly dealing with codes and more technical stuffs so grammar are not really needed. I think my speaking is even worse. Honestly, I feel kinda bad. I used to be able to emulate how an American speak but now, I just sound more like a typical Chinese trying to speak good English. I wonder why, I mean I don't even speak a lot of English back in the days. Maybe it's because I'm rarely watching English shows nowadays. More to anime... So maybe my Japanese is better now? Hah, who am I kidding. 

Hah, I'm having so much fun here. It's like I'm talking to myself by typing all these down. It's so funny, sad and weird at the same time. I guess I'm starting to appreciate loneliness (which is not a bad thing to be honest).

Speaking of which... I think I'm going to get a bit more serious here on out since we're at that topic. I think back in the days of my "youth", I cared more about how people was treating me or getting really envious of people having really good time with their friends. How do I put it? Hmm.. Like a great sadness and envy envelopes me whenever I see somebody posting some photos showing that they are having a jolly good time with their friends. That's because I rarely have somebody who I can do that with (other than my boyfriend). Honestly, I do feel that way SOME times even now. But I don't let it take over my mind like it used to. I grew to accept how things are and learn to appreciate them. Truth to be told, I don't really like hanging out a lot either. That explains why I don't really have much friends to hang out with. I am very picky with the people I choose to hang out with too. It's tiring to socialise ya know. It takes effort to think of something to talk and to please the other person. And it's super rare to be able to find somebody who I can be totally myself and just speak nonsense. 

Speaking of that, I think I have multiple personalities, like I behave differently when I am out with different people. I don't know how to explain it. It's like... my brain just automatically choose to behave in a certain way depending on who I am with. Most of the time, I think I just behave in a way that pleases the other person? And not like.. do something that can cause myself to be on their bad side.. At least I try to. It's so weird. I realised this at some point, but I couldn't stop myself from behaving that way. And some times I felt so embarrassed after I did something out of character then my brain would replay that scene again and again and I just feel really bad in the end (for myself). Some times, I talk like an airhead, but funny thing is, I realised that but I continued on anyway cause I know some people think I'm more approachable or likeable that way. Then some other times, I can be haughty and talk less, when I don't want to get close to the person. It's just weird when I think about it, but what's even weird is, doing it without realising it then AFTER that I began to analyse my own actions. Wow, this is becoming so creepy when I am typing this all down. Maybe it's just instinct to win brownie points with people. 

I wonder how I am in other people's mind. Like how they interpret me. Since I myself felt like I behave differently. But at least I do know how the true me is like. Cause it is very tiring to be "not" me, it's like I am constantly acting when I am around people and it just tires me out. Maybe that's an introvert thing. Therefore, in my recent years, I prefer to be... alone or at home. Where I do not need to think how to act or what to say. I just.... do whatever and say whatever that comes to my mind. Like right now actually, in this random post of mine.

Covid is such a weird time. It sucks being stuck in this small country which is actually also a city. I yearn for my time with nature, but the closest thing I can get here is man-made hiking trails. Hah.. After this is all over, I want to have my time with mother nature. Recently I have been watching this anime about camping in Japan. It's called Yuru Camp. It's a chill anime, I need a chill anime once in awhile. Too much hardcore theme will break my brain. Oh, and about this anime, it kind of makes me want to try camping. Was thinking of maybe trying to camp here first in Singapore even though the weather is humid af here. But gotta start somewhere right? Before camping in the cold 🥶.  

Okay, I think that's enough for today. If you're reading this, you're weird or creepy. Are you that interested about what I have to say?? Then again, the only main goal I am posting this to the public is to let other people read it. Is this like reverse psychology or something? Okay, enough of all this philosophical nonsense.