22/9/14 Hiatus

It's been awhile since I've written anything. It seems like time is flowing like it's nobody's business and we can't really control how fast time pass.

I've been so busy with a lot of crappy things lately, until I've put blogging as an uninteresting hobby in my usual regime. I have like 9 draft posts and lately didn't even bother taking pictures to blog anymore. I'm still thinking of writing my Ho Chi Minh Trip but quickly forgot about transferring pictures from my friends because I don't have much pictures in my phone therefore, no whatsoever blog post about it.

I've taken up crocheting again though. I successfully made a pillow case and a dress. I just bought 2 pair of knitting sticks and just started to learn knitting. I never liked knitting when I first tried them like 5 years ago, but decided to venture into it again. Then I found out I bought the wrong knitting size for the project. It's so hard to find the equipment I want in physical stores around me because most of them have limited choices, so I had to order it online. I always order on Cotton House Store because of the reasonable price but I had to order many things at once because of the high delivery fee. So, mostly I'll order a bulk at one go. And I can tell you, this is not a cheap hobby. The materials are damn expensive and it's not like I can make any big scale project with 1 skein of yarn. Even with the pillow case I had to order like 8 yarns because of the different colors it needed. Imagine that. I actually spent like RM400 in these 2 months alone for the materials and stuff. Most of my time is dedicated to them too. Speaking about time, I think it is ruining my daily life too because I tend to choose to be immerse in crocheting/knitting instead of more important things like studying for finals, researching for my FYP, doing my FYP, exercise or etc. It's not exactly healthy... I think I just need to sort out my priority.

Lately, I've been obsessed with cooking too. I mean, planing out grocery list and then go out and buy them with my own sweet time. Oh gawd, I don't think my way of doing it is the normal one because I seem to need a lot of time doing these normal actions too. I don't know. I just wish life would be easier. I just want my life to be doing craft, cooking, and watching my favorite anime/drama on the computer screen......... I sound like I'm aspired to be a housewife now.. Hmm, where did that came from? Life seems so much easier without all those maths equations, theories and innovation shit.

Actually, the main point of writing today isn't to share about all this, but I do feel better doing them. I just hope writing things out will make things better for me. Well, it did.. So, might as well write what I feel like at the moment. Some times, I think that I have depression. I'm not really sure how you define it. But every now and then I cry for no reason. Suddenly, actually. Like.. for no reason at all, I started to sit alone in the living room and cry, or even when I go to sleep, I cry as well. I don't think this is normal (with my still sane mind, I still know it's not). Of course I don't cry openly, I wept silently and always to be out of sight when I do this. Recently, I don't feel like talking to people also. I find company to be a hassle and a drag.  I don't really know what to say to them. Although when people talk to me, I will respond, and actually find it comforting when people ask me something or talks to me and actually feel grateful at the same time. But when we stop, I just don't feel like the one taking the next step to continue on the conversation. I isolate myself too when there are many people gathered there and talk. I don't really like the feeling of being ignored when I talk, for example, nobody responding to me when I say or ask something. I feel really frustrated inside and angry and then I will decide not to speak to anyone after that. Frankly, talking to my boyfriend doesn't help at all. Even though I do talk to him, but it's like every time I ask something, he thinks it's stupid or I'm just asking silly questions and usually answer in an angry manner or some times not responding to me at all. This actually made me feel worse than it is. I always tell him to stop raising his voice, no matter how many times I said it, he still answer me like that. I really hate it, very much. I think I've lose interest in talking to him over the period of time, because some times I don't feel like we're in a relationship, it's like I'm just there to exist. He doesn't accept the way I think of things, always argue and talk in a tone that tells me I'm insane to think the way I think, doesn't really think how I feel, doesn't even act like a gentleman to me... Although he is always polite and keen to help to his friends, but to me... And also, the way he make fun of people.. it is so mean, I don't know why he keep doing it. Seeing him doing it every time makes me feel disgusted of him. My mum isn't helping either. I know I pissed her off every time I get out of the house to go to my boyfriend's for a period of time. It's partly my fault too but I have a feeling that if I tell her too much, she might not like it. She even goes to the extreme to ask and argue about silly things that is actually insignificant and make it look like a huge problem.. like the topic of "Are you using that milk to make yogurt or to drink". Really.. that insignificant. And this really happened. At the end of the conversation, she started to scream insults at me for being "reading too much books/studied too much/why everything have to make sense to you in order to ask it". The past me usually with retort and argued until the end but this time, I keep repeating the word "Enough". That doesn't seem to help too, because she kept continuing. Might as well stay silent too in this case. Some how my choices seem to make a lot of people unhappy, whether it be doing it or saying it. Doing it might anger people and make them raise their voice at me, saying it might make them think I'm stupid..... I just don't know anymore. This is basically why I isolate myself and not talk at all. I'm really tired. I just wanna dig a hole and live in there for eternity some times.

There... not exactly all that I want to say cause some of them are too personal and not about myself. If you're reading this, just know this is my point of view. Of course in one's point of view, they don't find faults of themselves but just others. Maybe in the real world, the problem lies within me instead of how people treat me. I don't know, I'm just saying. So, don't be bias. If you're reading this till the end, don't feel sorry or troubled for me, because it is not your problem and I don't feel better like that. Just think of me as you normally would, normal. If you're someone I know, I hope that you talk to me normally as well. It's not like I talk to many people anyway. My phone doesn't always have whatsapp notifications from people that wants to talk to me. I think I'll like it even though I said I don't like talking to people. I seem to always contradict myself. I think that's enough blabbering today.

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