Disturbing

My mind is running wild again. Probably doing some parkour moves in my head if it is even possible. I've been thinking a lot lately again, constantly worrying, constantly blaming myself, and constantly blaming other people as well. Most of the time, I keep it to myself, and some times the one close to me suffers for no reason, as if hit by a ricochet bullet because of my mouth.

I admit, I'm not the friendliest person on Earth. I might categorize myself as an a**hole. Don't be fooled by my demeanor. I have too much names on my blacklist. Too often, I judge people too fast. Categorizing them as too bratty, too show-off-y, too boring, too superficial, too annoying.. so on and so forth. Some I got to know more (involuntarily) and then I decided that they are not that bad after all. But most of the time, this is not the case because I simply don't stick around long enough to find out. This is why I don't have much friends.. I mean the ones that I can hang about with everyday and it just feels natural. I had them before, but not right now in this "adult world".

I just want to feel the sense of belonging. Friends that includes me in every plans. Friends that eats together and cares about me and my opinions. Friends that hang out and ask me to go with them. But too often, I often find myself looking at Instagram and Facebook at home alone looking at pictures of food, places, and group photos posted by "friends" and feel a bit sad because they never consider letting me into their group. "Why wasn't I invited? I thought we were friends" that thought lingers around. I blame them for leaving me out, but after awhile if I think about it carefully, it's not their obligation to do so. Maybe they just didn't like me, or maybe I'm just not good enough to be able to hang out with them. So and so. "I have my cats, I am fine. I don't need anybody else" kind of silly thinking floats about in my whirlpool of thoughts. Unfortunately, I feel like I died a little inside every single time I see those photos. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Did I do something wrong or is my behavior not likable? But then I thought, I don't cater myself to other people. Why should I change just so people can like me. It just a never-ending cycle of overthinking.

I'm very good at making other people uncomfortable, maybe that is also another reason. Well, in my defense, if I would be overreacting, it's safe to say that I was triggered. It takes very little to put me off balance. Then I'll explode and respond by saying sarcastic things. Some times regretting it immediately afterwards. Usually silence will follow as a reply to my statements or questions. Maybe it's best that I keep my mouth shut and not ask or demand to be included in events and stuffs. Maybe it's for the best. For everyone. But it's too late. Like this post that I have published, I am sure some will feel uncomfortable if they read it. I hope they don't. I know it's contradictory, wanting to write this down and publishing this to a public domain but not wanting people that knows me reading it. It's very silly.

I also think I am very selfish too some times. I only think about my well-being and my feelings. Every man for himself?

Maybe my true situation is not as severe as I describe it if I can think long and hard to realize that. There are people who tries to include me in and there are people who genuinely likes to talk to me. It just that I tend to filter the good memories out and only focus on the bad ones. Therefore this rant post. This very random thing I typed here today.

Or maybe these is all just happening in my mind. I don't know anymore. Either way I can't stop over thinking. I can't stop this anxiety attack.