Drunk with Caffeine

Today, I'm writing something more personal. It never dawns on me to write it down or to even express it freely because of the sensitivity of the subject. Plus, the matter... it depends on how you look at it. Maybe it's my attitude problem or just my luck in meeting people, which is just as good as a bad egg.

The reason why I'm writing this down right now is because I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about why it happened because of some accusation that was spoken (well, actually written) to me. It pierce right through my heart because it didn't came from a stranger but from a very well loved person of mine. I never was polite around people I'm close to, so I was brutally straightforward especially when I'm angry. That is just the real me, I never thought it was a problem until this person voiced it out. It wasn't the first time I'm being told of it. This got me thinking, maybe I should just let things go and don't bother about it so that I don't blurt out unnecessary things. But much to my dismay, I always fail to control myself because I don't even realize it when I'm being rude. It's already a part of me for a long long time. This is not my main point though. The statement following this reminder is much more terrifying to me.

"Don't you feel weird when you have no bff that can talk with you everyday and go out shopping with you?" 

It kills me a little inside every time I read this sentence. That question sounded like... I'm a loner and a person who is hated by all. I am indeed a difficult person to talk to because I tend to stay as a distant friend. I don't talk much about myself, I don't share things about myself often and I just don't have any fun topics to talk about around people. Unless, they are the one who is making the conversation. Why am I like this?

I don't intend to personally explain this to that person because I will be writing a long explanation which it won't probably be read. Also, I've explained it before and I was given quite a lecture, to tell me to see the world in a different light. To be much more of a talker like this person and etc. Basically, to be not me, in short.

This got me thinking so much. Maybe this person don't really understand me really well even though I said the person was close to me. Even though I've told stories about myself, about the people I met in the past and how I was treated and how I treated them. Not all friendships can be sustained and not all people that you meet can be someone who you can get really close to. I can say we are two very different people and the people that we meet is also very different. My life experience is never shared but is my own only. After reading the question... I felt so angry, upset, and extremely lonely.

Yes, it's true. In my current life right now, I don't have a very good friend that I could talk to everyday and share my everyday little problems to. Nobody who I can invite to go shopping with me like the other girls that you usually see hanging in a bunch in the shopping malls. Why? I used to have these friends but it ended quickly. Girls are extremely difficult beings. Even though we don't fight, the mental fights we engaged into are much more terrifying than fist fights.

I have really good high school friends. Like every other teenage girls, there must be some drama going on at a point in high school. I can tell you I wasn't the cool kid that everyone adored. I was the short and chubby spectacle girl that everyone ignored. Being a quiet person and a people pleaser is not something to be proud of too. It's like I'm invisible. I tried to be with the cool kids, and I did but I was made fun off and even bullied. Despite that, I changed at some point when I got some guts to defend myself. The ones that didn't like me before became my best friends who I could really talked to. I was never the one to be close to many people. I learnt in a hard way, that you can't actually please everyone. Not many liked me too, because I don't engage in conversation with people and always stay away from people that I didn't really like (which is a lot of them). I did have true friends, I still consider them the same as well right now. But then everyone was busy with their own lives after graduating from high school. We went to different universities or college, we meet new people and we were so occupied with the new people that we meet. I did keep in touch with a few but not much. I wonder why, some eventually forget me also and never ask how I was doing, and the same goes to me too (but now I try). Maybe I wasn't really that much of a "good friend" to them as I thought I was.

At the beginning of my university life, there wasn't much people I could talk to. I made friends with a lot of guys in my batch and we hang out, we talk and we share our opinions. But there is always an invisible barrier that I myself build (I think). I've also meet really crazy people but then I got really tired of it, it was very tiring to keep up with the creative minds. There is constantly a debate on random things but doesn't really need to make sense kind of conversation. I did have fun at the beginning but it took a toll on me. I decided to find my own kind which I could probably be better with. Then I found a crazy gang that I can be with. We had a lot of fun but there is always a problem. When you gradually know a person, you get to know the person in full. That means you'll get to see their bad side too. I'm not a very patient person so if I find that attitude is constantly frustrating me, I tend to get away from it so that I don't have to deal with it. After awhile, I cease to hang out with these people that was once my best friends. It was doing more damage than good. I meet some really funny people. It's weird. One day we're talking like it was the best thing in our life, and the next day we were like strangers. I tried my best to be patient and treat them how I wanted to be treated by others. But in the end, all I got was ignorance. The once best friends have already forgotten about my existence and even became a villain in my life.

My life is full of surprising people. One moment I could like do anything with them and the next,they'll give you all sorts of trouble. I always thought that if I treated a person kindly, then they'll treat you the same. But no. That's far from the truth. Not everyone is that great of a person. People eventually will use you and throw you away like rubbish if you are not much help at all. I learnt that from the hard way, and today, I learn to keep away from troublesome people. I do meet really nice people that I can talk to but they have their own close friends that they rather be with than me because of the way I am. I am not friendly enough? There is also some friends I still keep in contact with, not much but I still can tell them everything and vice versa except the fact again, they have their own lives and own cliques too. There is also some people that is very self-centred, which I really can't stand. These people will only ignore what you said to them and concentrate on their own problems. So, eventually it's a one way conversation which isn't much fun at all.

Having friends are tiring but it is also rewarding. It still depends on the people you meet.

Maybe I'm just unlucky and maybe it's just me. The way I am right now. The way that I used to be. Maybe I like to be alone. It's better, it's not so complicated and it's not so tiring. I don't need to face these problems anymore. But nobodys want to be alone. I am trying my best to make more friends but not close ones even though I want to. I don't show myself easily to people and I'm indeed also a difficult person to talk to. Maybe I'm the root of all evil after all because of the way I'm thinking right now.

But to say that I don't have any bffs who I can talk to? I beg to differ. You have absolutely no right to judge me because of that. You just don't understand me well and you're basically comparing your life with mine, which is totally different. It's also a sad thing because it tells so much about your understanding of me, which is not really that deep..

By this, does that mean that I should hate myself for being me? Should I despise the way I am right now? Because I'm not someone who can say things which can charm everyone in the room and who can instantly make friends? Should everyone in the world especially the ones like me, changed to become these clones that is so perfect?

I already am feeling dejected at myself because I'm constantly thinking I'm not good enough and I'm always admitting that. I want to run away from my troubles and also the very person that question about my existence and the way I behave so that I don't have to deal with them. It's my problem, so just leave it to me. I don't need any comment about it.

I don't need anyone to judge me.