The difficult stage

I can only express myself truly right here. Because I don't like to be ignored when I'm talking to a person. It's like talking to a wall. It's useless. But in my blog, I'm talking to myself. I write it down and I listen to myself. To realize things that I don't realize once i truly express it down. I don't care who reads it or who doesn't reads it. But if you're the one that I'm saying and you're reading this, I guess that will be better for me too.

... I didn't think it would be this difficult... I know this day will come sooner or later. It's normal to have a couple of small fights in a relationship. It's the beginning of these "patterns" for me now. Let me describe it in a few words.

  • Frustrating
  • Upsetting 
  • Confusing
  • and Suffocating

Not everyone is perfect. I know. Relationship is about compromising. I admit, it's hard for me to express my feelings out, this is not a new thing for me. I am THAT kind of person. It's not like *snap finger* I can become a different person that straightaway catch what someone is saying and know what to say in return at the same time.

I've been told too many times, I should change. Because I'm too ignorant. I'll admit it myself, it's true, I'm ignorant because I used to think those things aren't gonna be much help for me since I don't like it or I don't care what happens to it. When we grow up, everything changes. Whatever shit you also must know. So next time you can easily talk and socialize with people. So, we wouldn't be left out. This is for a better change right? Right. The world is sick I tell ya, must please everyone. I'm not a people-pleaser some more. It's not easy! But it's possible.
Me? I'm a pessimist you see. And I'm very protected since I was a kid. I don't even know how to take a bus by myself seriously. That's why I don't like to go out on my own to explore the world. The idea of "going out alone" is like a forbidden action. I think this is how our brain tends to interpret something from what we learn at a younger age.
I'm trying to be a better person, please give me time and support. Not aimlessly shooting me and what-not nonsense. I don't need it. That will make me more depressed, it's not a motivation (not for me at least).

Next point,
I must really emphasis on this. This is what ticks me off most of the time.
When you have a particular thing you don't specifically like about a person, don't beat around the bush or even ask the person to figure it out himself.


Point number 1.
The person himself might not notice or figure what he/she may did wrong, since he/she is accustomed to it. For example, if a person said "This is too sweet" regarding a food, person A will interpret "Really? Maybe I should try it myself to check and see if it's too sweet" and person B will interpret "I guess she don't like sweet stuff". You see, different people have different brains. You CAN'T expect a person to think the same as you.

Point number 2.
If he/she doesn't understand what he/she did wrong, how the hell can one know what one must do?
People are not psychic! Unless you somehow can split into two and two of you understand each other! Not even I understand myself, please don't expect two different person to understand each other with just eye-contact.

Point number 3
If you don't plan to end what you say then please, don't say it at all. It puzzles the other person to try and figure it out. While you sitting there, frustrated at the other person. It's a lose-lose situation. Please stick to the rules of finishing what you said  if you started it. Like I said, no two brains are the same.

EGO is also a very terrible thing. This is the biggest problem. Nobody wants to raise the white flag. But I don't think there is ever a winner in an argument. It's either two of them loses, or two of them wins.
If you don't try to understand each other, don't bother trying to ask your partner to fix themselves up because it's selfish. If you're willing to listen and understand what your partner is saying... I call that rare. But it's there, you just have to find it.

I remember someone saying "Communication is two ways". But all I see is when he's talking, I'm denying. When I'm talking, he's not listening. How?
I don't get it seriously. But at last, I reflect on my own actions after that and keep it all to myself. But when I say something, how come you choose to flip out on me and then ignore me? I can't say you're wrong, is it? Who's not listening now?

I thought loving someone is about accepting their goods and bads. But what's happening when "change" is needed. It's not easy, but maybe "changes" will solve the problem. It's kinda conflicting, don't you think?

Should we change for the purpose of being more tolerable to the person you love?
Should we accept the person you love for who he/she is? Even if it's annoying.

Whatever the answer is, I'm still very hurt right at this moment.

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